There's always two sides to the story.

ATTENTION: don't read this unless you're prepared to read. lol

So, just so everyone knows, I'm Mormon. If you don't know this by now, then I haven't done my part as a faithful LDS member. Yeah, I've done some pretty hypocritical things in my life. That's why I'm writing this right now! So you can get to know me - just a lil better than you did before.

I used to:
~ smoke weed. faithfully. err day. religiously.
~ drink. resentfully, but lightened up and rather enjoyed it too much once i got started.
~ have sex. surprisingly, with quite a few girls. and with my favorite ones, quite often and frequently.
~ watch porn. what guy hasn't tho, honestly? lol
~ masturbate. if u wanna take porn to the next level.
~ beat people up for fun in high school band class. then id joke them horribly for it.
~ talk shit to my parents. cut them off and put my friends first.
~ use my friends - sometimes. or maybe i just used my acquaintances.
~ think i was the anti-christ. i know, not only blasphemous, but really - stupid.
~ lie. all the time. as if i was acting, tryin to be someone i wasn't.
~ steal. everything. lol like i believed i deserved it.

So, for the mormons who are reading this - now that you have finally been exposed to some of Javan's dark deeds, what do you think of me now? Yeah, when u grow up in tha hood, it can have this influence on your life. i wanted to be cool. fit in. and yeah, i truly did enjoy all of these things - at one time or another. and yeah, one by one ive realized they were wrong. and no, i never really liked to preach the gospel cause i never wanted to offend nobody. and i used to have lots of problems wit the church too. haha lol for example...

1. why the hell werent blacks allowed to hold the priesthood until a century after the church was reorginized? i thought that was racist as hell. however, i never found the answer, but i do know that God will try the faith of His children in strange ways. I put my trust in God that He knew what he was doing.
2. why do old white mormons judge u like they proper and perfect and then they tell u how to live ur life? bitch u aint shit, u dont know me! but i learned that i shouldnt judge the principles of the gospel based on what the people do. and no offense to rich white mormons. i really do love u guys. yal are super funny to me lol
3. if God knows everything, He knows exactly where im gonna end up, wife, no wife, my future job, my death, i fail, i succeed, if i make it to the celestial kingdom or not. so whats the fuckin use of life? why the hell is God gonna let me go thru some bullshit and make phony promises if he knows im gonna fail? HOWEVER - ive recently learned that this IS a test. i can PROVE to Him that even tho He already knows where im gonna end up, i can still make the right choices. i determine where i end up. i take it as a challenge to always make the right decision and place my trust - TRULY place my trust in my Heavenly Father. fate doesnt exist. only destiny.
4. i been thru a lot. and i often felt like i deserved to be so much happier than what i already was. i wanted to be rich, have a hot girlfriend, stuffs like that. i felt i deserved it. why was i so nice to everyone and goin thru the struggle but still faithful (somewhat) and still God allowed bad things to happen to me? but i learned - the hard way - that u never expect anything. u do it cause God is God. He is the man. point blank. He gave u err thing u got. yeah, even the gift to read what im writing right now. ur breath. ur very celestial existence. He created ur spirit. so when He tells u to do sumin, just be happy and do what the heck He tells u do.

and its just stupid shit like that i had trouble with. but ive learned a lot. im kinda mature for my age. and u wanna know sumin funny? i have SOOOO much more in life to learn. lol im super ignorant compared to God. actually, compared to alotta people lol but hey - if it helps, i aint that person now. ive turned around completely. my life has gotten so much more better. i no longer care about:

* whats good in the hood. the hood has caused me to remain in the ignorant mind frame of the stereotypical african-american. i dont need to know how to sell drugs, do drugs, spit game, jump a nigga, rob a liquor store, shoot craps, or talk or act like they - damn lol like "we" do. lol talk or act like we do. thats ignorant. my destiny is not the hood.
* fashion. well, i do adore dressing and fashion, but i know it aint all about that. i dont need to know the new lingo or dance or style. clothes aint gonna get me to heaven. neither is a hot girl. but its sumin swell to look at. lol and im a dude, i aint gon lie. she gotta be attractive. but forrils, there is no such thing as a gorgeous ass hole. and the cars and the crib aint gon get me to God either. i learned that its things like spirituality and wisdom and knowledge and charity and forgiveness and hard work and perseverance and honesty and goals that get u far in life. and not to mention, to God.
* what people think. u do u and ima do me. yeah, if u care bout me, show it. i really do care about family and friends, and alotta times, i really do care about strangers - as children of God tho. feel me? but if bitches tryna correct my every wrong and niggas hatin cause i act funny, lol i got sumin for ya. FUCK YOU. lol

SO. lemme talk to my niggas in the hood. if u feel me, im tryna make sumin of myself now. dont judge me because i put down ur ignorant ways to climb my personal ladder to success. just cause im not the same "Javan" or "Jiggy" u knew. im better. im goin somewhere. im doin sumin wit myself. it takes baby steps, but God and i got big plans for this dude right here. i got goals. dont hate cause the snowbunnies find me charming. cause i got goals and plans outside of the hood. u really wana be stuck there? good luck fuckin hos and sellin drugs and payin child support the rest of ur life. good luck wit the cops, the drive by's, and worst of all, the intensified classifications of stereotypes. u are what u make ur self out to be. so who u gonna be? u gon hate me cause i wanna change and put down the smokin and the drinkin and the sex and the other habits cause i wanna change and be wit God? so u just gon let satan rule u the rest of ur life? give it up. i see the light. or at least im startin to. and when my day comes, i could care less of how u see me, cause it wont matter when God sees me and i cant be wit Him. then this life is a waste. and i done wasted 20 years. but fuck it. i cant waste no more. and yeah, im sorry i keep cursin, but this is how i feel bout this. real passionate. yes, all of a sudden im passionate bout my religion. but i should be.

sorry this is so long. i just want people to know that ive fucked up - alot. too many times to count. we all have. im nowhere near perfect, but dont judge me. please, see me for who im tryna be, what im tryna accomplish. and secondly, dont think im phony or stuck up because i realize ignorance and injustice and im willin to leave my comfort zone to make a difference in my life and the lives of others. if anythin, support me. help me reach my goals. i need my friends and fam. just - please. i am so misunderstood, its crazy. TRY to understand me. or overstand me.

There's always two sides to the story.

I Just Wanna Be Successful

I don't really have any pics to put here. But that's cool, pics can't begin to describe what I'm feeling right now. I guess the title makes it clear. Pardon the bush-beating, but so many things are running through my mind. lol I wonder, have you ever felt like this? I mean like, you have so much talent, and you just don't know where to start? It's kinda weird. I mean, I'm not tryna sound cocky or anything, I'm just saying. I'm excited. It's cool when you realize that you're good at things. Like - if you were to join the football team, and you actually realized in practice or a game that you were really talented in your position. That's what I feel like. I can actually write good rhymes. I can actually stay healthy and help people become healthy. I can actually act. If I really wanted to, I bet I could learn business real well. I actually have a good sense of fashion. Maybe not the best budget to support it right now, lol, cause I'm thrifty and all, but still. I'm good with what I have. So, could I really be anything I want? I mean, I know I could be an actor. A personal trainer. A business partner with my sister in fashion. And yes, even though some may not see it, a hip-hop artist. I could be a writer. I'm good at writing. I could relive my childhood and study paleontology. I could be a paleontologist. I could open up my own restaurant. I already know who I would hire for everything. Open up my own training gym. Learn different fighting styles. The world is mine for the taking. Then, I have these other thoughts. Every time I get all excited about what my future could be, God brings me better sight. I realize that while I should pursue something I enjoy doing, I also need to think about the needs of a future family. Lol, yeah, you don't hear too many guys my age talk about that these days. I would love to have a family. Raise kids, love a wife, all that mushy stuff. As long as I'm successful with a career that I enjoy and our basic needs are always met - I'd be happy. Success - to me - is just that. Becoming happy. I bet you I could do all of these things if I really put my mind and body to it. You just don't understand the kind of - faith - I have in myself now. But when it's all said and done, I'm still a real person. I just wanna be successful.

Recovery

Caught the swine flu Monday somehow. Started with a runny nose and plenty of sneezing. I thought it was just too cold here in Utah. But I guess it had something else to offer...

So yeah, I really did have the swine flu. It's a bitch to have. Trust me, you don't want it as bad as I had it. Monday night I played basketball - thought I sweated it out. Alas, Tuesday morning, 9:00 am, I woke up breathing hard and rapid, and couldn't stop shaking due to cocaine-like jitters. It was NOT fun. Plus, my brain hurt, my back hurt, my muscles hurt, and no matter what I was always cold. Couldn't concentrate, couldn't remember, couldn't walk straight, and for the whole day Tuesday, I could barely get up and walk around the house. However, God granted me mercy through two preisthood blessings and I by Wednesday morning I was already feeling 500% better. Now it's Friday, and even last night I was able to go play volleyball. Not without knowing that it's gone first, though. I don't want to give ANYONE what I had. I went insane Tuesday. It was crazy. It was hell. Went to the doctor Wednesday morning, got some antibiotics. Now I'm sure this this thing is gone. It's not so much the drugs, or the people who helped take care of me, or even my own strong immune system that healed me. It was all God.

Learned a lot of life lessons with the swine flu. Well, there's some emotional and spiritual drama that's going on with me too. And a close encounter with death like that (and I never went to an E.R. lol) can make you see a lot things. Like the type of guy you need to become. The type of woman you want to be with. The goals you want to achieve. You know, sentimental but necessary crap like that lol. Also, the person God wants you to be. You also learn a little bit more about yourself and who you are.

But I thank God every day I'm healed. Now I'm all better.

Who wants to party?!?!?! :)