Man On The Moon

Am I not meant to have happiness? Must life always be so difficult? Well, I know someone will always have it worse than me, but still, life feels like a lot right now. I'm currently speaking my mind right now, so you don't have to read if you want to. However, I feel necessary to let a few things loose. You know, write them down here. I guess the journal isn't good enough. lol
So, I'm thinking about being here in Utah. Many people ask me why I'm here. Should I tell them all the truth? Well, I came here to go to school. That's true. But I really came because my environment wasn't allowing me to move forward in a good direction. One that would end my social and financial struggle, one that would help mold me into a better person. I came here for a shot at a better life. To date decent girls. To go to school. To live on my own. To learn true responsibility. I must admit, I took my eye off the ball. I'm not these things or don't have these things - yet.

Well, I do go to school. But I'm not getting the grades I desired. Maybe it's because I don't desire to do well enough. It shows by my actions that I really don't try to do my best. It shows I don't care. And the fact that I actually don't care is pathetic.

I'm away from my home. My family. My friends. My hood. My culture. My origins. This kills me. It's so - different - here in Utah. And I have to experience this alone. But between having both sides of my family pressure me to end our financial and social struggles and trying to help my beloved sister get out of the hood and yet I'm trying to do what God wants me to do and then hustling and working jobs and stacking paper so I can pay the fucking rent and telling stupid ass white people to respect my African-American backgrounds and having all these so-called "decent" and "good" girls scared to get close to me and not having much fun at all because people here are too conservative and don't like to take risks and too innocent and naive to the outer world and think their problems are the worst and God's picking on them and having to watch what I say and do how I act and carry myself because I'm "different" and real and having to deal with these fake ass bitches who try to break me or impress me or show me they from some imaginary "hood" or "ghetto" or "projects" or trying to act "black" or "gangsta" and experiencing the same things day in and day out and dealing with a broke ass phone that works like a fucking Decepticon and trying to maintain my sanity through it all but having no soul food in four months makes it hard and having to be myself and trying to maintain a proper relationship with my own fucking father and resist so much old temptation and trying to change for the better and getting the courage to do better in church let alone trying to find some courage (let me know where I can find some) and containing these fucking horrible nightmares and blocking out the images Satan sticks in my head like a damn slide show and trying not to get angry and fight niggas and trying to make peace but I only find myself making excuses and deciphering when people are trying to honestly help and when people are just bull shitting and hating on a nigga just because I fucking act and look different and like different things and because I'm willing to let shit go and put my self on blast and I actually honestly try to help people because I actually give three or four or five shits maybe six and I realize that clothes don't make the man and the fact that I'm not cocky but confident and between me writing this and you reading this - I have a lot to handle right now.

I can't take this shit anymore. I am so lonely. I am the only one of my kind out here. There is no other. Where the fuck is this girl, this imaginary future wife I'm supposed to meet here? I damn sure haven't been looking for her, but it's times like these where I realize that it's truly just me and Jesus that I really want to grab her and hold her tight and have her whisper in my ear that I'm never alone. That everything will be alright. That I should have faith in God. She'd tell me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear. She'd push me to be better, she'd push me harder. And she would be the kind of girl that would make me want to better. For my self and for God. And then for her.

I am like Kid Cudi. I am a man on the moon. I'm unique to the tee. I'm really not like any person you've ever met. On the outside it's good. People love that stuff. Yet, how many people really end up with a unique person? Not many people end with up with me. Not many girls even take the chance. Take the risk. Damn it, how can so many fucking college people be so fucking immature? Still in the damn high school phase, the status quo! What kind of place is this?
Everyday I ask myself why I'm here. In Utah. The land of Satan's dreams. Everyone here is the same. Isn't that what Satan wanted? No diversity. Everyone thinks Utah can be dangerous. Psh. Fuck that, my mother would whoop half these niggas asses out here. Dangerous my ass. Cultured my ass. I've never seen so many people who were all raised the same and talk the same and dance the same and eat the same damn food and play the same damn sports and listen to the same damn music. What the hell kind of place is this?

Hold up, why am I so angry? lol I'm sorry Blogger. :)

Well, Jesus never said life was easy. He only said it would be worth it.

Wife or no wife, friends or no friends, I'm going to make it. Just me and Jesus. I can get through this. I can have faith. I be that man on the moon. I'm up on the moon.

Get to know me...

...cause I'm a pretty cool kid. A little kid at heart, to be precise. The government is Javan Mulinu'u Drake, but my friends call me Jiggyfly, or Jiggy for short. Born in Chi-Town, raised in VA, visit Portland, OR every so often and currently residing in Orem/Provo, UT. I claim the 757 as my hometown, yet I have overcome being a product of my hood environment. I pride myself on being unique and always having something new to offer freinds and accomplices alike. I'm a member of the LDS Mormon church, and proud of it. I am currently a freshman at Utah Valley University (the ONLY reason I'm here in Utah), in which I study Theatre and Physical Fitness. I'm outgoing, friendly, humorous, creative, spontaneous, athletic, mature, and I've been told a few times that I'm kinda cute. Don't take this the wrong way, lol. My father is African-American with a bit of Cocassion, and my mother is Samoan with a bit of Tongan and Hawaiian. I'm a very cultured brotha. I'm blunt, so don't be offended if I tell you like it is. I keep it real with people - I don't play when it comes to my family or friends. My little sister's the closest person in the world to me. I'm not a perfect human being, and she understands this the most. Besides God, of course. In fact, she's the reason I have this blogspot in the first place lol. So, if you ever want to know anything about me, holla atcha boi. If not, you probably already know me well enough. :)